l’Esprit de l’Escalier

Have you ever got into a debate but find yourself unable to counter the argument given? But then after a while, when you finally sit alone, staring at the emptiness in front of you, as you carefully try to rearrange your thoughts again, all of a sudden it comes to you. The argument you’ve been looking for finally comes to find you, but you realize it was too late. The debate is over and you’re now left with the unsettling feelings and waves of regrets. Have you ever experienced it?

That kind of situation is what we called l’esprit de l’escalier which literally means to have the staircase wit. It was a phrase coined by Denis Diderot, a French philosopher, which denotes the missed opportunities for a dazzling riposte that occur too late. He describe such situation in his essay entitled Paradoxe sur le comédien, which tells a personal story about a time someone left a remark about Diderot that left him speechless and confused, causing him to think clearly only after he reached the bottom of the staircase, meaning when he have left the gathering.

To be honest, I can’t even count how many times I’ve been in that kind of situation, whether during a debate, in a class, or just casual conversations. At first, I thought this kind of situation occurred because I’m not smart and witty enough. I thought if I read more books and try to understand more about what’s happening in the world around me I could avoid being trapped in this situation. I was blaming myself the whole time until I had enough with myself; I even hate myself because I thought my efforts come in vain. I thought I will never get out from this situation because of my stupidity. I always thought the problem is me; I’m the only one to blame. It took me months—or probably years, idk—to finally realize that I'm not the problem.

Before, I regarded social interaction as something that can only be done if the two parties know about what they're talking about, and it makes me scared meeting new people because deep down I know my knowledge isn't always on par with the people I'm talking to. One day, like an epiphany, I just realize that maybe I was too hard on myself. I realize that social interaction is also a learning process because everyone you meet knows something you don't. And if you think about it in reverse, yes, you also know something they don't. We learn as we communicate. You win not because you have the last word in a fight or a debate, you win when you're a changed man after the conversation.